1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
