Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
