i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
