just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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