Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
