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I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
