sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
