No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize