Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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