I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
