god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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