peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
