dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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