The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
