It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
