I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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