you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Randomize
