So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
