I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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