My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
