I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
