hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
