I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
you will always have a special place in my vag
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
