i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize