you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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