I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
