It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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