I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
