So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
