I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Cover your peen. We're going out.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
