why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize