I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
operation have a gay friend backfired
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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