Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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