he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
