White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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