4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize