we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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