U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
