dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
