apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
