i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize