How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
