i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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