Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
