You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
