Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
