so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
