So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Randomize
