you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
