Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
