he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
