recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
