you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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