let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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