sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
