I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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