I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
