i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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