you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize