We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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