hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
