Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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