For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
